Aaaggh, it's been so long since I posted anything to this blog, despite all the big words and plans to post weekly and get back on top of my goals. And in that time I've been sinking into a steaming pile of rants. It's really the same old story no matter what. Well, and a relatively recent problem, if you consider within the past year recent... but it's getting old real quick!
So the same old story is my feeling of no accomplishment, no progress, just stagnation. Lists, lists, lists, with barely anything crossed off. Wondering what's wrong with me because other people seem able to do it all or expect that I can do it all. I'm too slow and no one's willing to give me the cheat code to level up or maybe, ugh, I'm just incapable. Incompetant. Not going into detail, but these feeling don't stop at my personal prjects and goals.
Why can't I do three things at once??!
Why can't I come home, clean everything, play videogames, draw, paint, color, type, write, read, watch DVR'd shows, and do my basic daily needs... to the degree I want??!
Why is there never enough sleep??!
Why am I bouncy one minute, groggy and itchy eyed the next??!
The only thing keeping my sadness and anger at bay is how cool this sparkly pink gel pen looks on paper!! Thank you, Hello Kitty.
And then the "recent" problem. I don't remember being constantly hit on at school. In elementary school, there were a couple guys. Yeah, lol. In middle school and high school, there were a few more, but by no means was it a constant thing. In college... NO ONE that I can recall. And I was perfectly fine with that. But ever since I've started working, OMG. How do I tell people to get lost when I could get in trouble for being rude? And if I tell people they are bothering me, will they bother me more like in school? Will they attempt to hurt me if I get them kicked out?
It's seriously affecting the way I socialize with guys in general. Sometimes I think I can't have guy friends anymore because being nice or friendly is "leading them on" and hanging out is a "date." I didn't have this problem as a recluse, and I'm hoping to work my way into a job where I never have to leave the house. Of course, if I can't get my art discipline under control, that's not likely.
This whole general feeling of frustration all boils down to feeling out of control. I thought my recent relapses into frequent tears was just hormones from my little red friend, but nope. I'm being accused of being a hoarder again because my pile by my desk of stuff to do slowly gets larger every week because nothing's getting done. And I have to do something with it this weekend... oops, the weekend's over because I didn't plan and prioritize well enough and stuff happened at the last minute. When I do manage to get it done, it will amass again, as I try to do something I can't finish, and set it aside again. It's a never ending struggle.
Well, I'm sure there's more stuff bothering me, what with my nightmares and insomnia and all, and I have a ton of nitpicks every day that build up under my skin like pus, but these were my main concerns. I'm hoping the writing will make me feel better for a little while at least, though I know it won't get better until I feel in control again.
P.S. I've been buying H!P stuff with my tax return (even though I don't think I deserve it) so hopefully the happy times music will energise me. Lots of classic Momusu.
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