Like every quarter of the year, I think I can start over on the same mistake. I think I can just re-allot all tasks, cramming them into the remaining days of the year. It always fails, and always will fail. How last month I thought I could squeeze five yearly planners into six months is beyond me. I have little to no time during the week to work on them and three of those planners were made out before I got a job. I'm just going to have to take everything at my own pace because these unrealistic deadlines are giving me an all or nothing attitude and nothing's getting done.
But while I'm at it, let's look at how my "New Year's Resolutions" are going.
1.) Weekly blog posts. No.
2.) Use up art supplies (and go through everything else.) No.
3.) Lose weight/exercise more. No.
4.) Comments on blogs, dA, Drive, etc. No, but working on it.
5.) Understand other languages better. A little better in French, but not much.
6.) Coloring. No. Not at ALL.
7.) H!P and anime. Yes for H!P, somewhat on anime. Not only have I been keeping up with H!P, I've been trying to fill in holes in my collection.
8.) Organize and inventory room. Anything I organize gets messed up quickly, so NOPE.
9.) Follow my planners. Still on Day One. Day One for two and a half years.
Priorities and deadlines just don't work for me in art (at least non-school art) except for two summers, the summers of 2007 and 2008. It was a passionate, stubborn, but horribly drawn burst of insane fan art. It started as fully colored arts and puttered out to an unruly stack of sketches that got thrown out two years later, in the summer of 2010, after graduating from university. But since my plans switched to commissions and personal projects, I slowed things down and the perfectionist came back. I need discipline, but not discipline where I set myself up to fail.
I'm just going to have to work through my planners week by week, even if it takes me several years to do it (after all, it does comprise what I expected to take three years to accomplish, two of which without a job, and all of which unrealistically.) And that means not just the art on those lists, but reading, too. I mean, I'll just be miserable if I deny myself reading (it's perhaps my biggest addiction), so I might as well do it while crossing stuff off. My lists should be guides to help me complete everything in a balanced manner, not a stressor for my "free" time. Finish the tasks in Week One before moving on to Week Two, simple as that.
This is the decision I've come to after the third such mid-year checkpoint.
So, see you next post.
30 June 2014
31 March 2014
I Want To Be A Spring Phoenix
Aaaggh, it's been so long since I posted anything to this blog, despite all the big words and plans to post weekly and get back on top of my goals. And in that time I've been sinking into a steaming pile of rants. It's really the same old story no matter what. Well, and a relatively recent problem, if you consider within the past year recent... but it's getting old real quick!
So the same old story is my feeling of no accomplishment, no progress, just stagnation. Lists, lists, lists, with barely anything crossed off. Wondering what's wrong with me because other people seem able to do it all or expect that I can do it all. I'm too slow and no one's willing to give me the cheat code to level up or maybe, ugh, I'm just incapable. Incompetant. Not going into detail, but these feeling don't stop at my personal prjects and goals.
Why can't I do three things at once??!
Why can't I come home, clean everything, play videogames, draw, paint, color, type, write, read, watch DVR'd shows, and do my basic daily needs... to the degree I want??!
Why is there never enough sleep??!
Why am I bouncy one minute, groggy and itchy eyed the next??!
The only thing keeping my sadness and anger at bay is how cool this sparkly pink gel pen looks on paper!! Thank you, Hello Kitty.
And then the "recent" problem. I don't remember being constantly hit on at school. In elementary school, there were a couple guys. Yeah, lol. In middle school and high school, there were a few more, but by no means was it a constant thing. In college... NO ONE that I can recall. And I was perfectly fine with that. But ever since I've started working, OMG. How do I tell people to get lost when I could get in trouble for being rude? And if I tell people they are bothering me, will they bother me more like in school? Will they attempt to hurt me if I get them kicked out?
It's seriously affecting the way I socialize with guys in general. Sometimes I think I can't have guy friends anymore because being nice or friendly is "leading them on" and hanging out is a "date." I didn't have this problem as a recluse, and I'm hoping to work my way into a job where I never have to leave the house. Of course, if I can't get my art discipline under control, that's not likely.
This whole general feeling of frustration all boils down to feeling out of control. I thought my recent relapses into frequent tears was just hormones from my little red friend, but nope. I'm being accused of being a hoarder again because my pile by my desk of stuff to do slowly gets larger every week because nothing's getting done. And I have to do something with it this weekend... oops, the weekend's over because I didn't plan and prioritize well enough and stuff happened at the last minute. When I do manage to get it done, it will amass again, as I try to do something I can't finish, and set it aside again. It's a never ending struggle.
Well, I'm sure there's more stuff bothering me, what with my nightmares and insomnia and all, and I have a ton of nitpicks every day that build up under my skin like pus, but these were my main concerns. I'm hoping the writing will make me feel better for a little while at least, though I know it won't get better until I feel in control again.
P.S. I've been buying H!P stuff with my tax return (even though I don't think I deserve it) so hopefully the happy times music will energise me. Lots of classic Momusu.
So the same old story is my feeling of no accomplishment, no progress, just stagnation. Lists, lists, lists, with barely anything crossed off. Wondering what's wrong with me because other people seem able to do it all or expect that I can do it all. I'm too slow and no one's willing to give me the cheat code to level up or maybe, ugh, I'm just incapable. Incompetant. Not going into detail, but these feeling don't stop at my personal prjects and goals.
Why can't I do three things at once??!
Why can't I come home, clean everything, play videogames, draw, paint, color, type, write, read, watch DVR'd shows, and do my basic daily needs... to the degree I want??!
Why is there never enough sleep??!
Why am I bouncy one minute, groggy and itchy eyed the next??!
The only thing keeping my sadness and anger at bay is how cool this sparkly pink gel pen looks on paper!! Thank you, Hello Kitty.
And then the "recent" problem. I don't remember being constantly hit on at school. In elementary school, there were a couple guys. Yeah, lol. In middle school and high school, there were a few more, but by no means was it a constant thing. In college... NO ONE that I can recall. And I was perfectly fine with that. But ever since I've started working, OMG. How do I tell people to get lost when I could get in trouble for being rude? And if I tell people they are bothering me, will they bother me more like in school? Will they attempt to hurt me if I get them kicked out?
It's seriously affecting the way I socialize with guys in general. Sometimes I think I can't have guy friends anymore because being nice or friendly is "leading them on" and hanging out is a "date." I didn't have this problem as a recluse, and I'm hoping to work my way into a job where I never have to leave the house. Of course, if I can't get my art discipline under control, that's not likely.
This whole general feeling of frustration all boils down to feeling out of control. I thought my recent relapses into frequent tears was just hormones from my little red friend, but nope. I'm being accused of being a hoarder again because my pile by my desk of stuff to do slowly gets larger every week because nothing's getting done. And I have to do something with it this weekend... oops, the weekend's over because I didn't plan and prioritize well enough and stuff happened at the last minute. When I do manage to get it done, it will amass again, as I try to do something I can't finish, and set it aside again. It's a never ending struggle.
Well, I'm sure there's more stuff bothering me, what with my nightmares and insomnia and all, and I have a ton of nitpicks every day that build up under my skin like pus, but these were my main concerns. I'm hoping the writing will make me feel better for a little while at least, though I know it won't get better until I feel in control again.
P.S. I've been buying H!P stuff with my tax return (even though I don't think I deserve it) so hopefully the happy times music will energise me. Lots of classic Momusu.
29 December 2013
The same thing I post every year, Pinky
Back again? Betcha know what I'm writing/blogging about. The same thing I blog about every time this time of year comes around. Which is pretty much every time I actually post here. Well, I'll have you know I actually completed one of my New Year's resolutions! I got a job! I've been there for six months and I've actually become less of a burden on my family. I've even been able to spoil myself, buying new books, clothes, and games for myself... as well as a new computer!! I'm in a pretty happy spot right now, except for one thing. I haven't been working on my other goals. Very little art. No writing. Reading when I can squeeze it in. It's making me feel cluttered and stressed. My to-do lists could wallpaper my room and then some. I want to get back on track. I HAVE to make 2014 a good one!
So here are some goals for next year:
Post to each of my blogs each week, including The Dark Writers blog. So this blog every Monday, my art blog every Tuesday, The Dark Writers every Thursday, and my H!P blog every Saturday.
I'm not sure about my Pokemon blog; I don't think anyone cares, lol.
I want to update my dA jounal every month.
Make a post to G+, Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook every day. To keep me focused on art, since most everything else I do just isn't that interesting.
Use up my art supplies, coloring books, read most of my books and pick some to donate, read my magazines, use up my notebooks, use up my lotions and lip balms and smelly stuffs. I'm still getting accused of being a hoarder, so I need to work my way through this stuff. Plus, more space to display stuffed animals and CDs and toys and games!
Lose weight/exercise more and spend time on making myself feel and look good. I've already lost a bit of weight since working, but I still need more tone, I think. And no, I don't want to wear make-up! But maybe I'll feel better about myself if I wasnt such a slob in my personal life. You know, brush my hair more often and shave before I kill the razor with two-inch leg hairs. Unfortunately, this won't remedy all the dudes hitting on me. I just want friends, nothing further! Ugh, but I want to look and smell nice for me, 'cause I'm a narcissist like that.
Keep on top of comments, my friends' blogs, and dA. I'm probably seeming really rude.
Understand Japanese, French, German, and Spanish to a fair degree. Duolingo, dictionaries, and Hello!Project will be my guides.
One major illustration drawn, one old or new drawing traditionally colored, and one old or new drawing digitally colored a week. Since I now have a computer with 8GB memory.
Keep up on Hello!Project and watch an episode of anime every week. To keep my happiness up. Those H!P girls still keep me so happy.
Get my room completely organized. And inventoried. Then I can finally sleep soundly at night.
Just do my best at following my planners. There's five of them now, so if I keep working at them, I should go somewhere?
And I'm going to reward myself if I do well, since I now have the ability to do such a thing (i.e. I have a job now.)
If I cross off at least one thing each day I'll reward myself with a chocolate or candy.
How much I do will also affect the prettiness of the lotion I put on the next day. The more I accomplish, the more expensive and/or favorite the scent I wear. If I use up a favorite, that's a good sign! If I wear Bodycology Sunday School Cherry Blossom every day, I'll know I'm a failure. Fortunately, I like almost all my lotions, though.
If I finish my Basic 2014 planner for the month, I'll give myself a 25 dollar allowance for the month.
The full 2014 planner, a 50 dollar allowance.
A gold star for each additional planner. I'll have to figure out what I'm going to assign each star, 'cause I plan on adding up the stars next holiday season and spoiling myself.
I think that's it. 2014, bring it!!
25 February 2013
Cleaning Up My Life A Bit
For a long time, I've noticed some things don't add up in regards to my life and time. No, I'm not talking about still being mistaken a decade or more younger (or how perhaps mentally I still am a decade or more younger.) I'm talking about how I never seem to make a dent in my to-do lists. How my drawing output, despite having many ideas I wish to put to paper, is woefully small. And this is without a job. Or school. How my notebooks remain woefully blank. Despite playing scenarios and thoughts through my mind, so the only effort needed is writing it all down with a little editorial organization. Despite a love of organizing things!
Most people who know me have probably given up on the thought that my creative career will go anywhere. Maybe they see my list of projects as empty promises, aspirations that will remain in my mind. Any new project is probably secretly groaned at. I don't think these thoughts are just me being overcritical or down on myself. Indeed I've been told that I don't look like I'm going anywhere. That I'm wasting my education. That I won't finish NaNo (and it's true, I've never finished it.)
But this is something very important to me. I do love coming up with ideas. I do love sketching out said ideas to sharpen my mind's image of them. I like to then play with said creations, go on adventures with them. I like making myself laugh. I like making others laugh, maybe because it's the only time I feel socially accepted. I'm serious about working in fields of ideas, writing and drawing narratives, particularly silly narratives with fun characters. I don't want to give up. I'm stubborn like that. If I gave up the desire I've hard for over ten years, I'd be lost. Completely lost. And broken.
So that's why I have to get to the bottom of my failure to make scratches at my goals.
What do I do in an average day?
On a non-computer day, I may sleep in, unless I have to help with an errand or chore (even then, sometimes I still sleep in.) When I wake up, I get ready for the day. Besides normal chores/hygiene rituals, going poop, etc., this means stacking the work I want to get done on the floor or the edge of my twin-size bed. I don't sit at my desk because there are notebooks, sketchbooks, drawing papers, and novels stacked up on it. And on the chair And all around the floor at the base. I intend to work my way through these stacks, but it's slow going. Put them back in the empty slots on the shelves from whence they came? Ridiculous! I need a visual reminder of what I need to get done.
So I lie down (or sit with my legs tucked under me) on my bed and try to get to work. But no words are coming out! The proportion or perspective in the drawing is off! I need a reference that happens to be buried under the stacks on my desk! At this point, I'll reach for a comfort - a book. And I'll read for awhile. At least it's better than laying down, full of thoughts, but not doing anything. That's torture.
But then there is the other distractions. My room does not have a door. I hear everything. Conversations particularly and sometimes television can be major distractions I can't tune out. For whatever reason, I seem to lack the ability to tune information out (the same thing that makes me a good listener and student is a curse as well.) High-pitched voices and noises are the worst. In such situations, unable to read or think outside the distraction I start to get a headache if I don't put my head down. Then there's times I just take a nap because I'm tired or experiencing intestinal distress.
Between this and daily chores/routines, night is soon upon me with very little (or nothing) done. Some days instead of a novel, I'll use a coloring book, puzzle book, or just go into despair mode, making to-do lists and charts Or I'll watch the Saturday morning cartoons on the DVR. Surprisingly, I rarely play my beloved Pokemon, except on special occasions, particularly bad days, or little spurts where I have a mini-goal. I suppose I don't like leaving my DS plugged in or turning it on and off constantly, so it's easier to distract myself with analog entertainment that can be stopped at any time. If everything was completely digital, I imagine I'd be curled up in a ball when I'm not busy and having art/writing block.
On a computer day, though? I try to get up as early as possible so I can go to bed at a decent time and not annoy other people with my room's light or my keyboard-typing (no door, please remember.) But I get on once a week and the computer will often be on for sixteen to twenty-four hours (if I sleep in till ten or later, you can see how this can become a problem.)
I check my e-mail, try to keep up with my deviantART messages, check the latest hundred or two posts on my Tumblr dash and load up my queue for the week (so I appear active), check webcomics, try to watch various anime series on hulu and Crunchyroll, and then scan Twitter and various sites related to my hobbies and load up a thumb drive with a text file of articles to read later on a netbook that freezes just by going to Wikipedia. It's not a netbook, but a textbook! Har, har, har. After I've done all that, I go to YouTube to put videos from my subscription feed or go through a list of artists to check up on (because following a record label clogs the feed) and put their new videos into "Watch Later" playlists (yes, plural) that I may never get to watch unless I waste a lot of time some other day. And I chat in Google Docs, maybe even getting stuff typed out. Maybe typing out blogs like this one. And trying to keep up with Google Reader, a losing battle. Oh yeah, and if I actually had artwork to scan, I do that at the beginning, along with editing and uploading said scans. After I stop rambling about idols and destroying my friend's kidneys, I turn off the computer and go to bed as the sun is coming up, more or less.
There! The computer day is fully of junk!
I cut my computer time to once a week, because I feared it was responsible for my lack of progress (due to sleeping in on the other days and feeling like I had a shorter time till the next scanning and getting discouraged... six days to get 'x' amount of art done isn't as bad as '1/2 x" amount to get done in two or three days, with one day wasted with sleep.) And I have improved in the amount I get done since using the computer weekly.
But I can't get rid of my computer days altogether. I wouldn't be able to scan and upload art or type blogs and stories. I would be irresponsible to my friends, whom I am working and collaborating with. And most of all, it's a beacon, a goal, a day of accountability. I have to work hard the rest of the week so I can have something to upload and/or type on The Computer Day. Without that day, there wouldn't be enough pressure to make constant progress. When I look at it from this perspective, what I NEED the computer for, my priorities become clear.
So here's what I'll be giving up. I want my friends (and anyone who checks up on my art/projects) to know I'm serious about my goals.
All online show I follow on hulu and Crunchyroll. That would be: Toriko, Puchim@s, Gin Tama, Magi, Love Live! school idol project, Ixion Saga DT, Senryu, and Cobra. That last is actually a backlog title I was trying to watch this year. Magi and Love Live were pretty average, maybe even getting a bit dull... they were not bad, but not super special. Though Love Live was just about to introduce the character I was most interested in (Nico.) I'll miss the others sorely, though. I have to keep reminding myself, "don't you dare give in and watch Cobra next week!" All the James Bond that's been playing lately is making me miss Cobra more, though...
I won't be giving up my DVR shows, though. But I'm coming close.
Pokemon is boring during tournaments, but there are hidden gems in the form of Cilan and cute Pokemon moments (Pants/Scraggy! Oshawott!) And the N arc will be coming soon after the League wraps up in the U.S.
Star War: The Clone Wars is hit and miss. I find it's at its best with scoundrels (I love Hondo!) or Anakin going nuts/Hulk mode and making angry faces (or as a friend says, looks like he's making a bowel movement.) The season's almost over and Anakin's making his lovely bowel movements in the season finale arc, so it's safe... for now. But I really dislike those clones. They take all the fun out of Star Wars.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic can't seem to follow its excellent second season. But the season is over for now.
Gravity Falls is fun, but a chore to find out when the next episode will air.
Doctor Who is fun... if I could hear it half the time.
But the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... no! I can't miss my weekly dose of Donnie and wishing I was in April's place. And the Star Trek parody, ahaha.
Webcomics. They serve as inspiration, but they are taking up too much time, particularly when I try out new ones.
Tumblr. Wow, I think it was a mistake even getting one. Too much. It's just too much. It's for people who are online a lot, so it's just not for me.
Forums. I'll still check out Hello!Online for the Pocket Mornings, which are sometimes hilarious (like the recent cockroach one.) And their Twitter feed, which has info on releases. But forums take time and are redundant.
The anime news site I frequent. I won't be watching much anime for awhile, so why tempt myself?
Twitter. Besides Hello!Online's Twitter, I'll take a hiatus since it's also becoming too much.
A bunch of RSS feeds, mostly idol blogs. Maybe all the idol blogs, but Momo and Kanana's blogs are funny, Maachan and Zukki and Fukuchan make me smile, Haruka and Meimi surprise me and are some of my top favorites character-wise, and as long as Reina's in Morning Musume, I'll find her cranky side funny (especially when it involves Maachan.) I'll remove those feeds, too, if it comes down to it, though.
I won't use YouTube on the computer except for background music while typing.
So let's see how that works. I still can't see how some people can have school and/or jobs and still do all the things I'm giving up AND draw and write stories. It makes me jealous and I feel super slow. I wish I knew the secret, but for now I'll focus on my drawing and writing goals and my friends. My friends are more important than shows and idols. But if my progress and sleep schedule do improve a lot after this, you can bet I'll be celebrating with some Pokemon games!
Most people who know me have probably given up on the thought that my creative career will go anywhere. Maybe they see my list of projects as empty promises, aspirations that will remain in my mind. Any new project is probably secretly groaned at. I don't think these thoughts are just me being overcritical or down on myself. Indeed I've been told that I don't look like I'm going anywhere. That I'm wasting my education. That I won't finish NaNo (and it's true, I've never finished it.)
But this is something very important to me. I do love coming up with ideas. I do love sketching out said ideas to sharpen my mind's image of them. I like to then play with said creations, go on adventures with them. I like making myself laugh. I like making others laugh, maybe because it's the only time I feel socially accepted. I'm serious about working in fields of ideas, writing and drawing narratives, particularly silly narratives with fun characters. I don't want to give up. I'm stubborn like that. If I gave up the desire I've hard for over ten years, I'd be lost. Completely lost. And broken.
So that's why I have to get to the bottom of my failure to make scratches at my goals.
What do I do in an average day?
On a non-computer day, I may sleep in, unless I have to help with an errand or chore (even then, sometimes I still sleep in.) When I wake up, I get ready for the day. Besides normal chores/hygiene rituals, going poop, etc., this means stacking the work I want to get done on the floor or the edge of my twin-size bed. I don't sit at my desk because there are notebooks, sketchbooks, drawing papers, and novels stacked up on it. And on the chair And all around the floor at the base. I intend to work my way through these stacks, but it's slow going. Put them back in the empty slots on the shelves from whence they came? Ridiculous! I need a visual reminder of what I need to get done.
So I lie down (or sit with my legs tucked under me) on my bed and try to get to work. But no words are coming out! The proportion or perspective in the drawing is off! I need a reference that happens to be buried under the stacks on my desk! At this point, I'll reach for a comfort - a book. And I'll read for awhile. At least it's better than laying down, full of thoughts, but not doing anything. That's torture.
But then there is the other distractions. My room does not have a door. I hear everything. Conversations particularly and sometimes television can be major distractions I can't tune out. For whatever reason, I seem to lack the ability to tune information out (the same thing that makes me a good listener and student is a curse as well.) High-pitched voices and noises are the worst. In such situations, unable to read or think outside the distraction I start to get a headache if I don't put my head down. Then there's times I just take a nap because I'm tired or experiencing intestinal distress.
Between this and daily chores/routines, night is soon upon me with very little (or nothing) done. Some days instead of a novel, I'll use a coloring book, puzzle book, or just go into despair mode, making to-do lists and charts Or I'll watch the Saturday morning cartoons on the DVR. Surprisingly, I rarely play my beloved Pokemon, except on special occasions, particularly bad days, or little spurts where I have a mini-goal. I suppose I don't like leaving my DS plugged in or turning it on and off constantly, so it's easier to distract myself with analog entertainment that can be stopped at any time. If everything was completely digital, I imagine I'd be curled up in a ball when I'm not busy and having art/writing block.
On a computer day, though? I try to get up as early as possible so I can go to bed at a decent time and not annoy other people with my room's light or my keyboard-typing (no door, please remember.) But I get on once a week and the computer will often be on for sixteen to twenty-four hours (if I sleep in till ten or later, you can see how this can become a problem.)
I check my e-mail, try to keep up with my deviantART messages, check the latest hundred or two posts on my Tumblr dash and load up my queue for the week (so I appear active), check webcomics, try to watch various anime series on hulu and Crunchyroll, and then scan Twitter and various sites related to my hobbies and load up a thumb drive with a text file of articles to read later on a netbook that freezes just by going to Wikipedia. It's not a netbook, but a textbook! Har, har, har. After I've done all that, I go to YouTube to put videos from my subscription feed or go through a list of artists to check up on (because following a record label clogs the feed) and put their new videos into "Watch Later" playlists (yes, plural) that I may never get to watch unless I waste a lot of time some other day. And I chat in Google Docs, maybe even getting stuff typed out. Maybe typing out blogs like this one. And trying to keep up with Google Reader, a losing battle. Oh yeah, and if I actually had artwork to scan, I do that at the beginning, along with editing and uploading said scans. After I stop rambling about idols and destroying my friend's kidneys, I turn off the computer and go to bed as the sun is coming up, more or less.
There! The computer day is fully of junk!
I cut my computer time to once a week, because I feared it was responsible for my lack of progress (due to sleeping in on the other days and feeling like I had a shorter time till the next scanning and getting discouraged... six days to get 'x' amount of art done isn't as bad as '1/2 x" amount to get done in two or three days, with one day wasted with sleep.) And I have improved in the amount I get done since using the computer weekly.
But I can't get rid of my computer days altogether. I wouldn't be able to scan and upload art or type blogs and stories. I would be irresponsible to my friends, whom I am working and collaborating with. And most of all, it's a beacon, a goal, a day of accountability. I have to work hard the rest of the week so I can have something to upload and/or type on The Computer Day. Without that day, there wouldn't be enough pressure to make constant progress. When I look at it from this perspective, what I NEED the computer for, my priorities become clear.
So here's what I'll be giving up. I want my friends (and anyone who checks up on my art/projects) to know I'm serious about my goals.
All online show I follow on hulu and Crunchyroll. That would be: Toriko, Puchim@s, Gin Tama, Magi, Love Live! school idol project, Ixion Saga DT, Senryu, and Cobra. That last is actually a backlog title I was trying to watch this year. Magi and Love Live were pretty average, maybe even getting a bit dull... they were not bad, but not super special. Though Love Live was just about to introduce the character I was most interested in (Nico.) I'll miss the others sorely, though. I have to keep reminding myself, "don't you dare give in and watch Cobra next week!" All the James Bond that's been playing lately is making me miss Cobra more, though...
I won't be giving up my DVR shows, though. But I'm coming close.
Pokemon is boring during tournaments, but there are hidden gems in the form of Cilan and cute Pokemon moments (Pants/Scraggy! Oshawott!) And the N arc will be coming soon after the League wraps up in the U.S.
Star War: The Clone Wars is hit and miss. I find it's at its best with scoundrels (I love Hondo!) or Anakin going nuts/Hulk mode and making angry faces (or as a friend says, looks like he's making a bowel movement.) The season's almost over and Anakin's making his lovely bowel movements in the season finale arc, so it's safe... for now. But I really dislike those clones. They take all the fun out of Star Wars.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic can't seem to follow its excellent second season. But the season is over for now.
Gravity Falls is fun, but a chore to find out when the next episode will air.
Doctor Who is fun... if I could hear it half the time.
But the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... no! I can't miss my weekly dose of Donnie and wishing I was in April's place. And the Star Trek parody, ahaha.
Webcomics. They serve as inspiration, but they are taking up too much time, particularly when I try out new ones.
Tumblr. Wow, I think it was a mistake even getting one. Too much. It's just too much. It's for people who are online a lot, so it's just not for me.
Forums. I'll still check out Hello!Online for the Pocket Mornings, which are sometimes hilarious (like the recent cockroach one.) And their Twitter feed, which has info on releases. But forums take time and are redundant.
The anime news site I frequent. I won't be watching much anime for awhile, so why tempt myself?
Twitter. Besides Hello!Online's Twitter, I'll take a hiatus since it's also becoming too much.
A bunch of RSS feeds, mostly idol blogs. Maybe all the idol blogs, but Momo and Kanana's blogs are funny, Maachan and Zukki and Fukuchan make me smile, Haruka and Meimi surprise me and are some of my top favorites character-wise, and as long as Reina's in Morning Musume, I'll find her cranky side funny (especially when it involves Maachan.) I'll remove those feeds, too, if it comes down to it, though.
I won't use YouTube on the computer except for background music while typing.
So let's see how that works. I still can't see how some people can have school and/or jobs and still do all the things I'm giving up AND draw and write stories. It makes me jealous and I feel super slow. I wish I knew the secret, but for now I'll focus on my drawing and writing goals and my friends. My friends are more important than shows and idols. But if my progress and sleep schedule do improve a lot after this, you can bet I'll be celebrating with some Pokemon games!
31 December 2012
2013 New Year Resolutions
Now for my New Year Resolutions! It's pretty much a carry-over from last year, but more compact and urgent. This year has to work out somehow!
Goal #1: Use up as much stuff as possible. Meaning art and office supplies, coloring and puzzle books, magazines, and the like. I need to have less stuff to worry about.
Goal #2: Get my Bare Minimum Planner done. I wouldn't make "progress" with entertainment (i.e. television, game, etc. goals.) I wouldn't color anything except commissions and a few traditional arts. I wouldn't even blog, except for The Dark Writers. But I'd get art, writing, and comics done. The important and prioritized stuff. I'd like to get the other Planners done, too, but the Bare Minimum is a start.
Goal #3: Get a job/helpful wage. If I don't get enough to take care of my share of living expenses and help my family out, I am screwed.
Goal #4: Be able to read the media I own in Japanese. I'm still sticking to this goal, but the books, magazines, pamphlets, and cards I own aren't that complex, so the goal this year is much more realistic.
Goal #5: Get happier. Again, this hinges on success. And getting enough sleep (no more past midnighters unless necessary!) And maybe meditation exercises. And plush therapy (caring for them really helps!) But I hate, hate, HATE being told I'll have to go on pills if my mood continues. I have reasons for being sad and upset and happiness from pills does not sound real.
I think that's it.
Happy New Year, everybody! Let's make our hopes real!!
Goal #1: Use up as much stuff as possible. Meaning art and office supplies, coloring and puzzle books, magazines, and the like. I need to have less stuff to worry about.
Goal #2: Get my Bare Minimum Planner done. I wouldn't make "progress" with entertainment (i.e. television, game, etc. goals.) I wouldn't color anything except commissions and a few traditional arts. I wouldn't even blog, except for The Dark Writers. But I'd get art, writing, and comics done. The important and prioritized stuff. I'd like to get the other Planners done, too, but the Bare Minimum is a start.
Goal #3: Get a job/helpful wage. If I don't get enough to take care of my share of living expenses and help my family out, I am screwed.
Goal #4: Be able to read the media I own in Japanese. I'm still sticking to this goal, but the books, magazines, pamphlets, and cards I own aren't that complex, so the goal this year is much more realistic.
Goal #5: Get happier. Again, this hinges on success. And getting enough sleep (no more past midnighters unless necessary!) And maybe meditation exercises. And plush therapy (caring for them really helps!) But I hate, hate, HATE being told I'll have to go on pills if my mood continues. I have reasons for being sad and upset and happiness from pills does not sound real.
I think that's it.
Happy New Year, everybody! Let's make our hopes real!!
Reflections of 2012 - The Year That Wasn't
I'm splitting this post into two posts. I want to get the depressing reflections out of the way and keep them separate from my bold hope. This is going to sound eerily like last year's New Year's post, just like the deja-vu posts I make to Studio Derrot every month...
The previous year feels like such a waste.
I shouldn't say that, though. I did get some things done. I just didn't get everything done. There is a disproportionate amount of work I didn't get done to the amount that was done.
This has plagued me ever since I began making lists in earnest, about eight years ago. I'm sure before my list-phase started I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to... it's just that seeing it on paper makes it more palpable. More depressing.
See, I've really come to enjoy making lists. At first it was just to keep track of art projects for school or count down pages in a book for school or levels in a video game while grinding. But it soon blossomed into multi-page lists and then eventually evolved into where I stand now: lists devoted to entire projects, big and small; grid-paper for word counts and comic pages and book and video game progress; a schedule for my blogs; and even allotments for the shows I watch (among other media.) It takes but a moment to write down a task, but much more time to complete the task. Soon I've made a list that requires a whole workshop of people to complete on time.
My lesson here should be that I shouldn't make lists anymore. But lists give me hope. And I don't fail in doing the things that need to be done, like commissions. Only something happening beyond my control, like technical issues or incapacitation, could get in the way of my stubbornness in that regard.
I wish that stubbornness would apply to my own work, too! Sometimes it seems like the stuff I anticipate doing the most, I hold myself back on. Like I'm scared of not doing it properly. Or I'll do it and the moment will end.
It's not just in creative projects. It took me over ten months to start my Pokemon SoulSilver game, even though I put monthly goals down for it.
I have to overcome this trepidation in the coming year!
So I did not:
#1) Update regularly. I updated in almost unpredictable spurts. The only predictable thing was my monthly post saying I accomplished nothing (or nearly nothing.)
#2) Get a graphic novel published. It's very hard to publish one when the few pages in existence don't have their panels' contents fully drawn out.
#3) Finish Minervellas. I didn't even finish my 2012 NaNo, The Fart Eaters.
#4) Make decent money on my artwork. Except toward the end, where the pay got a lot better. But the rest of the year before things got better, I was a spineless creature that took a severe pay-cut after shooting itself in the foot. I still didn't make enough to require filing taxes.
#5) Get a real job. I'm a deadbeat and horrible person and I've hated myself many times this last year for that. Do I have a future?
#6) Clean my room. Clean? Yes. Organized? Pretty much. But I didn't use up a lot of the stuff I wanted to. I did throw out a lot of papers, but my mom still says I "don't throw anything away."
#7) Understand Japanese. I'm not much farther in reading kanji or speaking (forming sentences) than I was a year ago. And now I have recurring day-mares of an embarrassing incident at a seafood/sushi counter. I'm not confident yet.
#8) Catch up on media. I abandoned a lot of online stuff when my computer had to be re-imaged. I'm impossibly behind on streaming shows and didn't check out all the music groups I wanted to. I didn't watch my DVDs (except one) or play much of video games. And then I get frustrated by suggestions for shows I can't watch legally. Morals aside, if I don't have enough time to watch the shows I'm allowed to watch (i.e. shows on Crunchyroll, hulu, etc.)... why would I watch something illegally? I have other things to spend my computer time on. :P
#9) Get in shape. Still the same after more than a decade. At least I'm consistent?
#10) Get happier. Nah, I just got more and more stressed out and I wouldn't be surprised if the statistics for me breaking out in tears was at least once a day.
Okay, now with those dreary statements out of the way, I can truly begin the New Year with hope!
The previous year feels like such a waste.
I shouldn't say that, though. I did get some things done. I just didn't get everything done. There is a disproportionate amount of work I didn't get done to the amount that was done.
This has plagued me ever since I began making lists in earnest, about eight years ago. I'm sure before my list-phase started I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to... it's just that seeing it on paper makes it more palpable. More depressing.
See, I've really come to enjoy making lists. At first it was just to keep track of art projects for school or count down pages in a book for school or levels in a video game while grinding. But it soon blossomed into multi-page lists and then eventually evolved into where I stand now: lists devoted to entire projects, big and small; grid-paper for word counts and comic pages and book and video game progress; a schedule for my blogs; and even allotments for the shows I watch (among other media.) It takes but a moment to write down a task, but much more time to complete the task. Soon I've made a list that requires a whole workshop of people to complete on time.
My lesson here should be that I shouldn't make lists anymore. But lists give me hope. And I don't fail in doing the things that need to be done, like commissions. Only something happening beyond my control, like technical issues or incapacitation, could get in the way of my stubbornness in that regard.
I wish that stubbornness would apply to my own work, too! Sometimes it seems like the stuff I anticipate doing the most, I hold myself back on. Like I'm scared of not doing it properly. Or I'll do it and the moment will end.
It's not just in creative projects. It took me over ten months to start my Pokemon SoulSilver game, even though I put monthly goals down for it.
I have to overcome this trepidation in the coming year!
So I did not:
#1) Update regularly. I updated in almost unpredictable spurts. The only predictable thing was my monthly post saying I accomplished nothing (or nearly nothing.)
#2) Get a graphic novel published. It's very hard to publish one when the few pages in existence don't have their panels' contents fully drawn out.
#3) Finish Minervellas. I didn't even finish my 2012 NaNo, The Fart Eaters.
#4) Make decent money on my artwork. Except toward the end, where the pay got a lot better. But the rest of the year before things got better, I was a spineless creature that took a severe pay-cut after shooting itself in the foot. I still didn't make enough to require filing taxes.
#5) Get a real job. I'm a deadbeat and horrible person and I've hated myself many times this last year for that. Do I have a future?
#6) Clean my room. Clean? Yes. Organized? Pretty much. But I didn't use up a lot of the stuff I wanted to. I did throw out a lot of papers, but my mom still says I "don't throw anything away."
#7) Understand Japanese. I'm not much farther in reading kanji or speaking (forming sentences) than I was a year ago. And now I have recurring day-mares of an embarrassing incident at a seafood/sushi counter. I'm not confident yet.
#8) Catch up on media. I abandoned a lot of online stuff when my computer had to be re-imaged. I'm impossibly behind on streaming shows and didn't check out all the music groups I wanted to. I didn't watch my DVDs (except one) or play much of video games. And then I get frustrated by suggestions for shows I can't watch legally. Morals aside, if I don't have enough time to watch the shows I'm allowed to watch (i.e. shows on Crunchyroll, hulu, etc.)... why would I watch something illegally? I have other things to spend my computer time on. :P
#9) Get in shape. Still the same after more than a decade. At least I'm consistent?
#10) Get happier. Nah, I just got more and more stressed out and I wouldn't be surprised if the statistics for me breaking out in tears was at least once a day.
Okay, now with those dreary statements out of the way, I can truly begin the New Year with hope!
02 July 2012
2012 Re-Assessment of Goals
So today marks the half way point of the year. Or close to it. Time to have a checkpoint where I see how far I've gone with those goals since the beginning of the year...
Goal #1: Update my blogs once a week, and The Dark Writers blog once a month. I've failed so far in that endeavor. Some weeks were actually full of updates. Some weeks were dry. My blogs lost the carefully planned structure in the first week and became out of control wild cards.
Re-Goal: Try to catch up, but mostly focus on having weekly or bi-weekly updates to the blogs, with the exception of my idol blog (small posts can potentially be made daily) and my deviantART journal (once a month is probably all it needs as long as I'm maintaining the other blogs.)
Goal #2: Get at least one graphic novel published this year. With part of a Hellhoney panel currently drawn and some more blocked in, I'm going to have to dedicate more energy to that one comic.
Re-Goal: I still plan to work some on the other comics, but only if I meet weekly goals for Hellhoney. I need to get that comic finished soon if I want it self-published by the end of the year. Unless by some miracle it gets picked up by a publisher.
Goal #3: Finish Minervellas. I've only touched it art-wise this year.
Re-Goal: Finish writing it. Get as much editing done as possible, but if it still needs work in 2013, so be it. I want to participate in NaNo 2012! (But with a new story.)
Goal #4: Make reasonable money off my art. Oops, nope. Still making the equivalent of 50 cents to a $1.50 an hour for my work and only one person has wanted to commission me this entire year (and I'm grateful they've been commissioning me often, though I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep that up. I'll get to that in a moment.) I actually need to be able to sell prints and copies of my comics to make any kind of decent "wage" from my art. Commissions just aren't cutting it right now (with the current prices, being commissioned for just lineart might be more fair? Since I can actually do those in an hour or so?)
Re-Goal: Consider stopping commissions until my services are actually worth minimum wage or more and focus on illustrations and promotion of my own personal brands. But I'll need something else if I do that...
Goal #5: Get a real job. I wouldn't have time for both commissions and my art anyway if I got a real job, so the freelance work would have to be put on hold while I power up and spend my free time with projects I hope to develop more. But jobs are scarce.
Re-Goal: Seriously, I need to get a job. I want to prove I can make it on my art, because that's what I got a degree in and it makes me sad that loved ones don't have faith in me anymore when it comes to working in the art field (art seems to have become a tense topic now.) But I also need enough money to help pay bills instead of being a poster (adult-)child for Generation Failure. I need a balance of paying to live and enjoy making art, and "real job" plus "working with my own projects" would be the best balance until I can actually work in the industry (my dream!) Besides, I need to afford a new computer because I hate being unreliable in my commissions. I never know when my laptop will go completely kaput.
Goal #6: Clean up my room. I was doing that, but entropy took effect when I laid out all I need to get done. So back to the stacks of books, notebooks, papers, and sketchbooks.
Re-Goal: Get stuff on my to-do list done, eating through the stacks one by one until my room is clean. Seems to be working so far.
Goal #7: Learn Japanese. I've gotten better at reading some characters thanks to reading Japanese Twitter feeds.
Re-Goal: Continue with more intensity. I'm still not at the level I want, but that's because I have't been reading the books and dictionaries as I had planned. I need to show more initiative than just listening to music and reading Twitter.
Goal #8: Catch up on media. Ahaha, nope. I haven't watched shows on the Internet since February, unless you count Nerdist YouTube shows and other random videos. But no Crunchyroll or hulu. Pretty much anything I watch these days are DVR'd cartoons from Saturday mornings or YouTube videos during breaks. The last time I actually sat down and played video games was January, then I turned on my DS last month to make sure it still worked. Music has also just been listening to music videos while working (unless I like the group, then I watch the video.)
Re-Goal: Forget the Internet shows for now, and focus on art and typing. Any computer day could be my last. Just watch Pokemon on Cartoon Network every weekend and wait for the new seasons of cartoons in the Fall (and Doctor Who.) Start playing video games again, but as a way to unwind before bed, to de-stress and encourage me with my projects. Probably won't finish any this year, since I play more than I finish. Keep doing what I'm doing with stalking official YouTube channels for stuff to listen to. Eventually I'll have a list of stuff to buy when I actually have disposable income.
Goal #9: Get in shape. I stay same. It's what my body is good at, I guess. Stubborn just like my mind. But this is a good thing since I'm healthy and not losing health.
Re-Goal: Just keep working out, like I have been. Keep taking breaks to stand when sitting down for awhile (I've been watching YouTube videos and reading magazines and books while standing.) Getting the "perfect" figure would probably mean starving myself anyway (because I have unrealistic expectations. Look at idols and you'll see what I mean.)
Goal #10: Get happier. On the contrary, there have been a lot of times I've felt like crap this year. Again, my happiness hinges on success of my other goals.
Re-Goal: Get the other goals done, and happiness will follow.
It's only the half-way mark of the year, so I still have time to make my goals pan out... I'll just have to work harder from here on out!
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